To Our Home Page To Our Home Page Funny Poems School Visits Offered Books Contact Mr. Lewis

Click Here
to leave a comment
about these poems.

   
Funny Poems!


Poems from the book,
"Poop, Butt, Booger & Snot" by L.W. Lewis:

Click Here to leave a comment about these poems.

Poop, Butt, Booger and Snot

Poop, butt, booger, and snot.
Those are words I like a lot.
I can't use them with Mom or Dad.
They also make my teacher mad.

I scream them out when I play ball.
Never say them in church at all.
Used them at the movie show.
Just a whisper, soft and low.

Told them to a girl I like,
Riding by her on my bike.
Tried to be so cool and hip.
Now she calls me, 'Potty Lip'.


Arguing with My Sister

I left the toilet seat up last night,
That's what started this terrible fight.
My sister gets grumpy if I tease about boys,
Go in her room and leave my toys.

She gets angry when I hog the shower,
Play in the bathtub for over an hour.
But the very maddest that she can get,
When she sits down and her butt gets wet.


The T-Rex

A tiny little T-Rex
Was scolded by his mother.
She told him it was not polite
To eat his baby brother.

T-Rex did not know that,
Tears welled in his eyes,
He solemnly promised Mother
To be good and not tell lies.

So he would not answer
Mother's frantic quiz.
He did not want to talk about
Where his younger sister is.


Poems from the book,
"The Tickle Tree" by L.W. Lewis:

Click Here to leave a comment about these poems.

If I Were A Witch
Click Here - to hear the audio of this poem.

If I were a witch,
I doubt that Iíd pick
To ride on a broom
And sit on its stick.

Flying like that
Might cause me fear.
Sitting like that
Would hurt my rear.

But I would be evil
And I would be mean,
Itís just that Iíd ride
In a big limousine.


My Ugly Brother
Click Here - to hear the audio of this poem.

My brother is an ugly kid,
Heís got freckles everywhere,
A nose thatís small and pudgy,
And cowlicks in his hair.

Both his cheeks have dimples,
His eyes are much too green,
One toe is kind of funny,
And his ears are rarely clean.

I donít think heís tall enough.
His lips are awfully thin.
And since I think heís ugly,
I donít want to be his twin.



My Parents
Click Here - to hear the audio of this poem.

Some people call it funny,
While others say itís weird,
My father has no moustache
And my mother has a beard.

I think they both look normal.
I donít see the need for jokes.
Iím sure that both my parents
Look just like other folks.

Mother is very pretty,
And I like when people note,
They say I look just like her,
Iím a baby Nanny Goat.


Bubble Gum
Click Here - to hear the audio of this poem.

My brother had some bubble gum.
I told Mommy I wanted some.
She said he had to share with me.
Instead of one piece, I got three.

Now heís bragging how nice he was.
He brags about everything he does.
But heís not nice, in fact heís rude,
He gave me gum he already chewed.


My Garden
Click Here - to hear the audio of this poem.

I find itís very hard
To grow pickles in my yard.
Iíve planted over half a jar,
But havenít grown one so far.

I watered like my brother said,
But all my pickles turn out dead.
I tried to raise them but I canít,
So next Iíll grow a raisin plant.


Eating At The Zoo
Click Here - to hear the audio of this poem.

I ate an elephant,
When I went to the zoo,
Then downed a hippo,
And a small kangaroo.

Next was an alligator,
Followed by a crocodile.
I ate a two-humped camel,
But it took a little while.

I dined on a polar bear,
And bit the tail off a fox.
I bought Animal Crackers,
And I ate the whole box.


Poems from the book,
"Poodles, Tigers, Monsters & You" by L.W. Lewis:

Click Here to leave a comment about these poems.

My Barbie
Click Here - to hear the audio of this poem.

I got a brand new Barbie
And she is truly great.
I call her Skater Barbie
She can twirl a figure eight.

She can even go in water.
Sheís nice and trim and slim.
I call her Swimmer Barbie
When I take her for a swim.

She has pretty dresses,
She loves to skip and prance.
I call her Barbie Dancer,
When I take her to a dance.

But my brother played with matches,
And by the time that he was through,
I had to change my dollyís name,
Now I call her ďBarbie-QueĒ.


If A Poodle Married A Tiger
Click Here - to hear the audio of this poem.

If a poodle married a tiger
And they had a little child,
Would it be warm and cuddly
Or would it be mean and wild?

Something very loving,
That licks you on the nose;
Or maybe something dangerous
That tries to bite your toes?

And if you were its master
Would it consider you a winner?
Or maybe take a different view
And think of you as dinner.

I wouldnít want to own that pet.
I think it would be too scary.
And thatís probably the major reason,
That poodles and tigers never marry.


I Hate To Lose
Click Here - to hear the audio of this poem.

I like to win,
I hate to lose.
I scream a lot
And throw my shoes.

I havenít lost in quite awhile,
Not because Iíve got great style.
I havenít lost to a he or she,
Because no one wants to play with me.


My Mother
Click Here - to hear the audio of this poem.

My mother is such a monster,
Her feet are even hairy.
All of her teeth are snaggled
And her voice is really scary.

Her hands are dark and wrinkled,
On her fingers she has claws.
Iím not sure they are really hands,
Perhaps they might be paws.

Her eyes are small and red.
They glow when it gets dark,
So I can always find her
When she takes me to the park.

Her stomach sticks way out.
Her fur is orange and blue.
And I think that sheís so beautiful,
Because Iím a monster too.


Tommy
Click Here - to hear the audio of this poem.

Tommy is pretty much older than me.
Heís already five, while Iím just three.
I donít think that Tommyís too smart,
Kindergarten opened, he did not start.

Tommy doesnít know the alphabet
And he really doesnít speak well yet.
But we watch television every day,
Then Tommy and I go outside and play.

For three full years our friendshipís grown.
Heís always with me. Iím never alone.
But thereís no one else can take his place,
Especially, if he wags his tail, or licks my face.


Poems from the book,
"Why Do Flies Eat Doggy Poop?" by L.W. Lewis:

Click Here to leave a comment about these poems.

My Weight
Click Here - to hear the audio of this poem.

I wouldnít say Iím fat.
I donít weigh that much.
Maybe a little heavy,
But only just a touch.

There are lots of other things
That weigh much more than me.
A walrus and an elephant,
A polar bear and redwood tree.

Compared to all those other things
My weight is lighter than it sounds.
I got on the scale yesterday,
Iím just six-hundred thirty pounds.


Dog Food
Click Here - to hear the audio of this poem.

I fed my brother dog food,
My mother is really mad.
But itís the very best dog food
My little brother ever had.

She screamed and called the doctor.
Her eyes are filled with tears.
I guess I shouldnít tell her,
Heís been eating it for years!


My Daddyís Head Is Broken
Click Here - to hear the audio of this poem.

My daddyís head is broken,
Right on the very top.
He used to have hair grow there,
But something made it stop!

Mommy plucks her eyebrows.
Could she have plucked his head?
Did she sneak into the bedroom
When he was sleeping in his bed?

At the beach last summer,
I remember, he had hair!
Perhaps while he was swimming,
Some fishy bit him there?

Iíve really been quite worried,
About my daddyís head.
So I asked my mommy,
And this is what she said.

ďDaddy has no sickness,
That isnít what itís called.
Heís just getting older,
Your daddyís going baldĒ.


Bathing Kitty
Click Here - to hear the audio of this poem.

I bathed our kitten and sheís squeaky clean.
But now sheís afraid of the washing machine.
Sheís crying and meowing. I think its stress.
I used gentle cycle and permanent press.

At first she swam, but a little later,
She got too close to the agitator.
I tried to grab her. She was out of reach.
All I could do was add more bleach.

Cats hate soapy water so itís hard to win,
But mine wasnít happy with rinse or spin.
I took her out early when she began to cry.
I thought sheíd feel better if she could tumble dry.

How else do you keep an animal clean?
I love my kitten, I donít want to be mean.
Iím sure I made a big mistake.
I shouldnít have washed her with my snake.


Click Here to leave a comment about these poems.

 
Website Services
DEParkins.com

Home  |  Funny Poems  |  School Visits  |  Books  |  Contact Us
Copyright ©L.W. Lewis/LWLewisPoetry.com. All Rights Reserved.